May the peace which comes from the memories of love shared comfort you now and in the days ahead.
In
Memory of
Stanley
Rutkowski
1945 to 2009
Although there’s a lot I could say about my Dad, I’d like to share one particular story about him
that is relevant to PFLAG. I think that this story is a good example of the kind of man he was.
This happened in the summer of 1990. Remember that this was before Will and Grace, before we had a president who spoke
positively of gay people, before anyone even considered same-sex marriage as a real possibility in any state, and before the
Internet. It was 4 years before the racy Melrose Place deleted a gay kiss from their show because advertisers were threatening a
boycott. I had attended an Affirmations youth group meeting in Ferndale and told my Mom that I went to visit a friend. My Mom,
like many moms, seems to have a sixth sense, and when I came back home she had asked me where I had really been.
This is when I came out to my Mom, and she was quite upset at the time. She told my Dad that night.
My Dad didn’t say anything about it until that weekend. He and I went on a long bike ride,
which we often did together, and we stopped at a rest stop where we often took a break
before turning around. We were sitting together by the river when he asked me
how I knew I was gay. We spoke for a while, and he was kind and thoughtful as usual.
After the conversation was over, he told me that although he didn’t totally
understand, he loved me and wanted me to be happy. He also told me not to be
pressured by my Mom or anyone else to get married to a woman because it would
likely end in divorce and be a bad situation for everyone involved. To this day,
I’m amazed at the kindness, thoughtfulness, and wisdom that he showed in that situation
and at that time in history. I am sure that his response, along with support from PFLAG,
also helped my Mom come to terms with and eventually embrace the fact that I am gay.
(Within a year, my Mom was trying to play matchmaker for me!)
The traits he showed when handling this news epitomize how he lived his life,
and these traits are why he is missed by so many.
Kevin Rutkowski
