"Mom and Dad, I have to tell you something..." Jason said in broaching the subject the previous autumn.
       "I knew what he was going to tell me," Jason's mother, Carol Schellack, recalls of her son's "coming out."  "It was something I'd known deep down a long time."

       Jason's father, Lowell Schellack, held the same suspicions.  "But we feared it so much we'd never talked about it," Carol recalled.

       Lowell's reaction had been accepting, loving, Carol said.  "Are you sure?" he'd asked his son.  "How long have you known?  Do you want us to tell your sisters?

       "No matter what your sexual orientation is, I love you," Lowell assured him.
       "My reaction was not that way," Carol said candidly.  "The bottom of my world had fallen out."
       "Jason, why are you choosing this?" she'd castigated.  ("I couldn't say 'gay')  "Do you know this is a sin?
       "He came out of the closet and we went in," she said of the winter months ahead.  "I considered myself a victim; I told no one.  I was totally ignorant, uneducated, judgmental."

       But Carol was in need of conversation, support.  "I had to face it."
       She chose to confide in a friend and a deacon from the Episcopal Church.
       "Love more; judge less," the deacon had advised.  "That was the turning point," Carol said.  "My mission changed after that."

       "Still in the closet," she resisted heading to Bemidji to attend a PFLAG meeting (Parents, Friends and Families of Lesbians and Gays), however.  "I felt if I went, everyone in the world would know."

       But in June, after Jason made his graduation speech, "I felt the spotlight on us.  We felt exposed, but isolated.  We were very alone."

       While the Schellacks' inclination had been to "hide, disappear, we needed to connect with others."
       They headed to Bemidji for their first PFLAG meeting in June 2000. "We were welcomed with open arms," Carol recalled of the national education, advocacy and support group.

       Expecting parents, friends and family (as the acronym implies) the Schellacks were greeted by gays and lesbians themselves - of all ages, ethnic backgrounds and religions.  "Homosexuals are not just Lutheran Caucasians," she said.

       Carol, an educational speech and language pathologist, headed back to school in Sebeka that fall, the Schellacks agreeing they'd like to initiate a support group in Park Rapids.

       But they were troubled by concerns it would fail.  "Would anyone from Park Rapids go?"
       The Schellacks moved through the ensuing three seasons without support or conversation.
       "We still felt so alone."

Park Rapids PFLAG is born
       Shortly after Jason's graduation speech, Shannon Grave picked up the telephone to call Carol and Lowell, offering support.

       Grave, a social worker, didn't share her story with the Schellacks in that phone conversation.  That would be told a year-plus later, when PFLAG was in the formation stages.

       Grave had married her best friend, Jason Beck, whom she'd met in college in Grand Forks.  By their first anniversary, "things were miserable and not looking up."

       Initially, she'd attributed it to "unrealistic expectations of marriage."  Her self-esteem, however, took a nosedive and her husband was depressed and suffering from an eating disorder.

       Grave's husband sought a "friendly" counselor who helped him realize who he was.  On a late December evening, he told Grave he was gay.

       "Tonight my world came apart at the seams," she penned in her journal.
       "When a family member comes out, you have your own 'coming out' experience," Grave explained.
       Friends and family were accepting and supportive but, after their story appeared in the Grand Forks Herald, their church quietly asked them to leave the parish.

       She sought out the help of PFLAG to make sense of it.  "There is no way to prepare for something like this," she said.

       Grave remarried.  Her husband, Brian, had been married to a lesbian.  They moved to Park Rapids four years ago, both remaining close friends with their former spouses.

       Meanwhile, the summer of 2001 arrived and the pastor of Calvary Lutheran suggested the formation of a support group, initially by invitation only.

       Eight people arrived in August for the first meeting and Carol told them attending the PFLAG meetings in Bemidji had proven beneficial.  The group decided to form a chapter, opening the meetings to the public.

       After the support group surfaced, Grave arrived a short time later.
       "I was going on with my life," she said.  But the initiation of the group stirred the pain, the memories.
       "I looked at the torment my ex went through, the depression, the eating disorder," Grave said.  "He was suicidal.  He hated himself, hated what our marriage was doing to me.

       "I don't want people to go through that alone," Grave said of her decision to become involved in the group's inception.

       Carol and Grave worked through the bylaws and articles of incorporation in an afternoon.  In August 2002, the Park Rapids chapter became an official PFLAG organization.

       Family, friends and the gays and lesbians alike arrive from a 50-mile radius for the support group held the first Thursday of the month.

       Coming to terms with homosexuality is like the typical grieving process, Grave explained.  Each person is in a stage of understanding.  "They have the person but are grieving what could have been - wedding, grandkids..."

      PFLAG "affirms versus promotes," Grave said.

Dealing with the issue
       Three years have passed since the Schellack's conversation with Jason, an "educated, informed" mother having subsequently evolved.

       "Jason wanted to see changes," Carol said of the discrimination and the taunting of students.
       "He made people deal with the issue," school district nurse Marianne Gilbertson said.
       "We had to take a step," chemical health coordinator Barb Thomason agreed.  "We can be there, or we can ignore. Kids need to feel safe, comfortable."

      The school has subsequently adopted a non-discriminatory policy addressing sexual orientation.
       Thursday, Oct. 10, an inservice training for professionals will be offered at the Frank White Education Center for law enforcement personnel, medical professionals and school sychologists, nurses, teachers and counselors.  The workshop will raise an awareness and sensitivity to gays,

lesbians, bisexuals and transgender individual, Grave explained.
       The agenda includes a keynote address on "Stepping out of the Closet," by Scott Fearing of OutFront Minnesota.
       The Bemidji Safe Youth Group - gays, lesbians, bisexuals, transgender and questioning allies (GLBTQA) - will share their experiences in rural Minnesota.

       Pastor Gary Walpole will discuss "integrating issues of faith and sexual orientation."  Videos will be shown with practical examples of classroom discussions.

       As a conclusion to the training, workshop participants may choose to designate their office or business as a "safe zone," posting an identifiable logo indicating a "safe place to discuss gay issues," Grave explained.

       "Kids need someone to go to who are not emotionally involved," Gilbertson said.  "Students may be harboring a terrible secret.  They need moral support."

       Suicide rates are two to three times higher among adolescents who are wrestling with homosexuality.  "They are unhappy with themselves and they fear the reaction of others," Grave explained.  Depression and drug and alcohol use is higher among those dealing with perceived homophobia.

       "People do not have to agree with the 'lifestyle' to protect human dignity, personal safety," Grave said.

'It's between Jason and God'
       Carol Schellack will share her "coming out" with the Calvary Lutheran congregation Oct. 6.
       When Jason told his mother of his homosexuality, initially, it conflicted with her religious beliefs.  Through her sister, Carol had developed a "personal relationship with Jesus" in 1995.

       Carol believed homosexuality to be a choice, that his decision had condemned him to eternal death.  Their home was rife with tension that first autumn.

       "But I have come to believe sin is individual.  It is between God and oneself," Carol said.  "God made Jason the way he is.

       "The world was only perfect for a day," she said, referring to the book of Genesis.  "There is no going back to its original beauty.  What Jason does is between Jason and God, not Jason and me and God.

       "God gives us decisions to make us stronger, closer to Him," she said.
       "At first," she admits, "I wanted this to go away.  I still sometimes do today.  But it won't.
       "This was God's plan.  Now I can say He's blessed me.  Now I can reach out in kindness, acceptance and tolerance," Carol said.

       "I thought I had been close to God.  This has brought me closer."
       Jason, who has become active in non-discrimination movements on his Hamline University campus, will speak to the Calvary congregation Oct. 20.  "These are conservative Christians," his mother has advised him.  "Be kind and gentle."

To email Carol Schellack:  cschellack@hotmail.com